"In the name of Allah, my topic today is Women's Rights..."
-- Julia (the bravest woman in Afghanistan)
Julia is approaching the end of her first semester at the Kardan Institute of Higher Learning, the best English-language school in Kabul. Yesterday was her third day of exams. Her assignment: give a 10 minute oral presentation in English on a topic of her choice to her 30 classmates. She wanted to practice her presentation with me, and I tried in vane to disguise my look of astonishment at her selected topic (which I did not influence in any way!)
I spend five days a week with this incredible woman, and by now I've figured out how to read her non-verbal cues. I know when our conversation is about to get serious. First, she'll walk toward my office, peeping cautiously through the door. Then she'll place her two hands in a V on the corner of my desk, lean forward toward me just a tiny little bit and with her head tilted ever so slightly she'll ask "Ma'am, do you have time to talk?"
It's impossible to resist - I don't even try. And I know things are really getting serious when she then spins around, pushes the door closed, and pulls a chair up next to me. Then I watch her let her scarf slide down her beautiful brown hair until it's resting gently on the back of her neck. The whole process takes maybe three minutes, and it's captivating simple, yet incredibly complex. For the next 90 minutes, she looked directly into my eyes and told me why she thinks women have so few rights in her country.
"Ma'am, the biggest problem here is that women are shy."
Julia and I are alike in ways that Eastern and Western girls rarely are - we're spunky, unafraid to speak our minds, and we embrace challenges...particularly those that deter others. Her worldview is unexpectedly profound given her life's circumstances. Despite the many challenges she's faced, she understands that the the cultural notion of shyness is a fundamental barrier to women's rights in Afghanistan. That shyness manifests itself here as subservience. From the day they are born, Afghan women tend to be reminded of the many things they can't do (true or not) based solely on their gender. As she explains it, Afghan girls learn subservience the way children pick up their native language...they've constantly exposed to it, and then one day, they naturally adopt the role. The notion of "shy" in this case is really Afghan girls internalizing the can'ts, don'ts and won'ts and training themselves to live up to those low expectations without rocking the boat...all while never questioning (male) authority.
"We need to stop being shy. And it doesn't mean we fight with someone. We will fight by improving ourselves by good education."
That one stopped me dead in my tracks. When Julia returned to her family after her divorce (at age 17), she had to convince her father that the only way she could guarantee a better future for her daughter is if he would allow her to get an education. She'd been taken out of school at age 14 to be engaged. It's almost impossible to say no to Julia...she's charmingly persistent, remarkably composed, and absolutely gorgeous. She worked on her father for a few weeks until he finally relented. When I asked her whether she thought other Afghan girls could be equally fearless, she couldn't answer definitively. I'm sure they can, but I'm much less sure whether they are willing.
We didn't have time to get to the part of the conversation where Julia offered solutions to the lack of women's rights in Afghanistan, but I'm sure she has then, in due time we'll get there.
As she left for the afternoon, heading to Kardan to give her presentation, I asked her to call me when she was done to tell me how it went.
My phone didn't ring until this morning, and on the other end of the line was Julia, bubbling over with enthusiasm.
"Ma'am," she started, as she always does. "Good morning! How are you? How's your husband?"
"He's well. I got to see him and talk to him for two hours last night on the computer. It was perfect. How's your daughter?"
"She's good. She misses you." And of course, I miss her daughter terribly as well. I got to meet her a few weeks ago, and we spent 6 hours together blowing bubbles, playing soccer, and figuring out how to communicate when we don't have a language in common. It comes as no surprise that her daughter is stunning in every possible way.
"Julia, you have to tell me about your exam. How did it go?"
"Ma'am, I forgot to call you last night. It was good. It was so good."
I was glowing, I'm sure of it. And really, I don't think she has any idea just how good it was. Or how brave she is. And that makes me love and respect her even more. She's going to break through for sure, and I can only hope that she inspires other Afghan women to do the same.
-- Julia (the bravest woman in Afghanistan)
Julia is approaching the end of her first semester at the Kardan Institute of Higher Learning, the best English-language school in Kabul. Yesterday was her third day of exams. Her assignment: give a 10 minute oral presentation in English on a topic of her choice to her 30 classmates. She wanted to practice her presentation with me, and I tried in vane to disguise my look of astonishment at her selected topic (which I did not influence in any way!)
I spend five days a week with this incredible woman, and by now I've figured out how to read her non-verbal cues. I know when our conversation is about to get serious. First, she'll walk toward my office, peeping cautiously through the door. Then she'll place her two hands in a V on the corner of my desk, lean forward toward me just a tiny little bit and with her head tilted ever so slightly she'll ask "Ma'am, do you have time to talk?"
It's impossible to resist - I don't even try. And I know things are really getting serious when she then spins around, pushes the door closed, and pulls a chair up next to me. Then I watch her let her scarf slide down her beautiful brown hair until it's resting gently on the back of her neck. The whole process takes maybe three minutes, and it's captivating simple, yet incredibly complex. For the next 90 minutes, she looked directly into my eyes and told me why she thinks women have so few rights in her country.
"Ma'am, the biggest problem here is that women are shy."
Julia and I are alike in ways that Eastern and Western girls rarely are - we're spunky, unafraid to speak our minds, and we embrace challenges...particularly those that deter others. Her worldview is unexpectedly profound given her life's circumstances. Despite the many challenges she's faced, she understands that the the cultural notion of shyness is a fundamental barrier to women's rights in Afghanistan. That shyness manifests itself here as subservience. From the day they are born, Afghan women tend to be reminded of the many things they can't do (true or not) based solely on their gender. As she explains it, Afghan girls learn subservience the way children pick up their native language...they've constantly exposed to it, and then one day, they naturally adopt the role. The notion of "shy" in this case is really Afghan girls internalizing the can'ts, don'ts and won'ts and training themselves to live up to those low expectations without rocking the boat...all while never questioning (male) authority.
"We need to stop being shy. And it doesn't mean we fight with someone. We will fight by improving ourselves by good education."
That one stopped me dead in my tracks. When Julia returned to her family after her divorce (at age 17), she had to convince her father that the only way she could guarantee a better future for her daughter is if he would allow her to get an education. She'd been taken out of school at age 14 to be engaged. It's almost impossible to say no to Julia...she's charmingly persistent, remarkably composed, and absolutely gorgeous. She worked on her father for a few weeks until he finally relented. When I asked her whether she thought other Afghan girls could be equally fearless, she couldn't answer definitively. I'm sure they can, but I'm much less sure whether they are willing.
We didn't have time to get to the part of the conversation where Julia offered solutions to the lack of women's rights in Afghanistan, but I'm sure she has then, in due time we'll get there.
As she left for the afternoon, heading to Kardan to give her presentation, I asked her to call me when she was done to tell me how it went.
My phone didn't ring until this morning, and on the other end of the line was Julia, bubbling over with enthusiasm.
"Ma'am," she started, as she always does. "Good morning! How are you? How's your husband?"
"He's well. I got to see him and talk to him for two hours last night on the computer. It was perfect. How's your daughter?""She's good. She misses you." And of course, I miss her daughter terribly as well. I got to meet her a few weeks ago, and we spent 6 hours together blowing bubbles, playing soccer, and figuring out how to communicate when we don't have a language in common. It comes as no surprise that her daughter is stunning in every possible way.
"Julia, you have to tell me about your exam. How did it go?"
"Ma'am, I forgot to call you last night. It was good. It was so good."
I was glowing, I'm sure of it. And really, I don't think she has any idea just how good it was. Or how brave she is. And that makes me love and respect her even more. She's going to break through for sure, and I can only hope that she inspires other Afghan women to do the same.
How lucky you are to have each other! To tap into the fearlessness you both wake up with every day, to build on each others courage, to share the successes your bravery brings you...I get goosebumps at the change you are bringing to each others worlds.
ReplyDelete*hugs*