There's no doubt in my mind that I am a different person now than I was when I left Germany for Combat Skills Training in Louisiana back in early April. But there's also no doubt in my mind that I've never been more of myself than I am right here in this moment.
My job in Afghanistan demands my full attention for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I lead a team outside the protected gates of Coalition installations almost every day. Lately, it has become increasingly obvious to me that my focus is elsewhere, which is both unsafe and to me unacceptable. So today I pulled Julia aside at the end of the day and admitted to her that I need to focus my attention on my life outside of Afghanistan...and for that reason, I am choosing to return to Germany sometime around the end of the year rather than spend my next seven and a half months here.
As I expected, my admission was instantly met with a flood of tears, both mine and hers. The sweetest part was that she immediatley hugged me and said "ma'am, you cannot cry" (which had the opposite effect), followed shortly thereafter by tears of her own. I taught her a new English word...hypocrite...and we smiled, knowing how lucky we are to share this moment. As our trucks were pulling out of the Afghan base, she sent me a text that said "I canot leave with out you I love you so much." You get the idea.
I can only hope that one day I will find another job as gratifying as the one I have here in Afghanistan. But for right now, I know that the risks of being here in my unfocused state far outweigh any fear of regretting the opportunities I passed up by returning home on my original timeline.
I don't know what shook me, but something has. I don't know if it was the war stories shared by the Army Captain, the scream of fighters departing on combat sorties to Afghan cities, or the vehicle borne improvised explosive device that killed 13 people from my base a few weeks past. Something gave me the gut feeling that no matter what I do out here, I won't ever feel safe. And no matter how much I contribute out here, even to incredible, promising women like Julia, it won't ever be enough to leave the long lasting cultural impact that I so crave.
Julia and I had a touching discussion through our tears this afternoon about how possible it really is for an American woman to impact women in Afghanistan. My cultural sensitivity is not lost on the Afghans with whom I work, and our mutual respect is inspiring. Our Sunday women's meetings are the highlight of my week, but without me, those meetings will not exist, because despite their positive impact on all attendees, they are not a priority to the women here. Interactions and shared stories between the 28 extraordinary military women who work on that Afghan base are rewarding in ways nothing else could be, but without me to facilitate, those interactions will also fade.
Afghan women aren't like American women. They don't have mentors. They are islands. They don't have aspirations for each other. They have aspirations for themselves, and maybe for their daughters. And no matter how long I stay, whether it's six months or a year, I cannot expect to instill my values into these women. That's not reasonable, nor is it my job. My job is to do what I can to inspire them to live up to their full potential, and at the end of the day, I have to trust that they will do what's right for themselves, their daughters, and their country.
And I expect myself to do the same. This is a rewarding experience like nothing I've ever known or even dreamed. But at the end of the day, I have to make the choice that's right for me and my future. Right now my life outside of the warzone deserves more attention than I am able to provide, and once I leave Afghanistan, it's that life that will carry me happily through the rest of my days.
Julia understands. She knows how I value her advice more than anything else in Afghanistan. And her advice today was to follow my heart. And in about seven weeks, it looks like I will follow my heart right back home to Germany.
My job in Afghanistan demands my full attention for so many reasons, not the least of which is that I lead a team outside the protected gates of Coalition installations almost every day. Lately, it has become increasingly obvious to me that my focus is elsewhere, which is both unsafe and to me unacceptable. So today I pulled Julia aside at the end of the day and admitted to her that I need to focus my attention on my life outside of Afghanistan...and for that reason, I am choosing to return to Germany sometime around the end of the year rather than spend my next seven and a half months here.
As I expected, my admission was instantly met with a flood of tears, both mine and hers. The sweetest part was that she immediatley hugged me and said "ma'am, you cannot cry" (which had the opposite effect), followed shortly thereafter by tears of her own. I taught her a new English word...hypocrite...and we smiled, knowing how lucky we are to share this moment. As our trucks were pulling out of the Afghan base, she sent me a text that said "I canot leave with out you I love you so much." You get the idea.
I can only hope that one day I will find another job as gratifying as the one I have here in Afghanistan. But for right now, I know that the risks of being here in my unfocused state far outweigh any fear of regretting the opportunities I passed up by returning home on my original timeline.
I don't know what shook me, but something has. I don't know if it was the war stories shared by the Army Captain, the scream of fighters departing on combat sorties to Afghan cities, or the vehicle borne improvised explosive device that killed 13 people from my base a few weeks past. Something gave me the gut feeling that no matter what I do out here, I won't ever feel safe. And no matter how much I contribute out here, even to incredible, promising women like Julia, it won't ever be enough to leave the long lasting cultural impact that I so crave.
Julia and I had a touching discussion through our tears this afternoon about how possible it really is for an American woman to impact women in Afghanistan. My cultural sensitivity is not lost on the Afghans with whom I work, and our mutual respect is inspiring. Our Sunday women's meetings are the highlight of my week, but without me, those meetings will not exist, because despite their positive impact on all attendees, they are not a priority to the women here. Interactions and shared stories between the 28 extraordinary military women who work on that Afghan base are rewarding in ways nothing else could be, but without me to facilitate, those interactions will also fade.
Afghan women aren't like American women. They don't have mentors. They are islands. They don't have aspirations for each other. They have aspirations for themselves, and maybe for their daughters. And no matter how long I stay, whether it's six months or a year, I cannot expect to instill my values into these women. That's not reasonable, nor is it my job. My job is to do what I can to inspire them to live up to their full potential, and at the end of the day, I have to trust that they will do what's right for themselves, their daughters, and their country.
And I expect myself to do the same. This is a rewarding experience like nothing I've ever known or even dreamed. But at the end of the day, I have to make the choice that's right for me and my future. Right now my life outside of the warzone deserves more attention than I am able to provide, and once I leave Afghanistan, it's that life that will carry me happily through the rest of my days.
Julia understands. She knows how I value her advice more than anything else in Afghanistan. And her advice today was to follow my heart. And in about seven weeks, it looks like I will follow my heart right back home to Germany.
I think we look for big changes in the things that we do, we want to have a huge obviously visible impact. But you have changed things. You've drastically changed Julia's life which changes the lives of her whole family especially her daughter's which changes her future husband's life and her future children's and...
ReplyDeleteWe can't always see the changes we bring about because we can't see the whole picture. But I have no doubt that you've drastically changed the pattern.