“War is hell, but that's not the half of it, because war is also mystery and terror and adventure and courage and discovery and holiness and pity and despair and longing and love. War is nasty; war is fun. War is thrilling; war is drudgery. War makes you a man; war makes you dead.”
-- Tim O'Brien The Things They Carried
One of my goals for my last few months in Afghanistan is to read a book a week, and so far I've managed to keep up. As soon as I learned that I was deploying on short notice, I grabbed my copy of The Things They Carried and tucked it into the bottom of my rucksack. I didn't make time to reread it until recently, but as soon as I did, I realized that Tim O'Brien's account of what our soldiers carried and felt as they waded through the muck Vietnam is every bit as applicable to those of us who fight our nation's battles today in a different war with another invisible enemy.
The things we carry for our country are just as meaningful and in some cases nearly as old as the items our brothers in arms carried some 40 years ago. The things we carry to keep ourselves both safe and sane remain almost identical.
On our bodies, we wear flame-retardant uniforms affectionately called multicams, designed to keep us safe and somewhat comfortable and specifically patterned for the terrain in Afghanistan. Total weight: about 5 pounds. On our heads we wear the U.S. Army Advanced Combat Helmet, designed to help prevent traumatic brain injury caused by impact. Total weight: 3.3 pounds. Snugly draped across our bodies we wear the Improved Outer Tactical Vest, which features Kevlar and four ballistic plates to protect our internal organs from critical injury. Total weight (for my extra-small, with a full combat load of ammunition): 35 pounds.
Slung securely over the shoulder of our shooting hand or held at the low ready as seen to the right is our M-4 carbine rifle, the standard military rifle for somewhat close combat situations with an effective range of 600 meters. Total weight with magazine: 8 pounds. And pinned either to our waistband or our dominant leg is our M-9 pistol, a personal protection weapon designed for use in very close combat with an effective range of closer to 50 meters. Total weight with magazine: 2.5 pounds.
On a combat mission, I carry 55 pounds of additional gear, evenly distributed across my body, which multiplies my body weight by over a third. That's the stuff that keeps me physically safe, and just like Tim O'Brien's soldiers in Vietnam, I choose to carry other things that remind me of the people who matter most.
Around my neck hang all of my important documents...my military ID card, cash in Afghani, Euro, and Dollars, and my favorite picture of me and Rob in Thailand the day we were married. My dog tags also hang around my neck, strung on a metal chain, and wrapped in a bright pink silencer in case there was ever a doubt that I am a girl. From that same chain hang three other things...the dog tag of one of my closest friends, a medal of Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travelers, sent by my mother, and a little gold angel, given to me on the last day of Combat Skills Training by one of my mentors there as a reminder of how far I've come.
I carry my M-9 in a holster attached to my hip, which John gave me before he left Afghanistan, as it only made sense to borrow a piece of self-protection equipment from my favorite cop. Clipped to the inside of my left pocket is a knife, sent by Loren just a few days ago, which he carried across thousands of miles as he flew combat missions in Afghanistan. On my left ring finger is a beautiful silver ring with a carat and a half oval amethyst stone, a birthday present from one of the brave female interpreters at work and a beautiful Afghan substitute for the diamond ring I choose to leave at home during this deployment. Inside my vest is the American flag Colonel Wight, my mentor and second father, gave me in the airport the day I left Baltimore Washington International Airport to begin this incredible journey.
What I haven't yet decided is what I'll do with these special items when I return from Afghanistan at the end of the year. But regardless of what I decide, I know that the things I've carried have made me feel safer in a place where the feeling of safety is at times unbearably evasive.
“What sticks to memory, often, are those odd little fragments that have no beginning and no end...”
--- Tim O'Brien The Things They Carried
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